Confessions

I've been an active member of this forum for quite some time now. Almost two and a half years now, to be precise.

I've been a complete liar for that entire time, and a potential three more weeks on top of that.

My birthday's next month. Seventh of January. I'll be turning 18. Therefore, I'm 17 now. I was 15 when I joined.

I've had a lot of fun here... I've met some really great people. I've been flattered to be trusted enough to have a moderation position. And I guess that last one is what's finally guilted me over.

I just... feel really bad, lately. Just... in general. I've felt really down, physically and emotionally. There's other things involved, stress is a big one, but... well, I've always felt kinda bad on some level. Here, I mean. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people I've told my age to before now. On both hands, I can fit those plus the people who found out secondhand. And... I just feel really bad about it, when I think about it. I've just been lying to everybody the whole time I've been here.

Back when I joined, I tried to rationalize it... "Okay, I act more mature than most people my age. In fact, I act more mature than most people who -are- 18. That justifies my being here." And for two years, I guess that worked. It worked both ways, in fact... I felt fine about being here, and nobody ever really seemed to question my maturity.

It was that whole fiasco with Chewya that started it. It's obvious I couldn't stand him, and I didn't know anybody who could, but... his complete immaturity was the only bannable offense I really found him suspect of. So that's what I always had to attack him on the basis of. Age. I felt like a complete and total hypocrite every single time I brought the guy up. In retrospect, that's probably some of the reason I was in such a hurry to be rid of him... just having him around made me feel really nasty about myself, because I knew that I was being a complete hypocrite with every single thing I said about him.

Enough about Chewya, though... everybody's already plenty sick and tired of hearing me talk about Chewya. I'm the one in the wrong today.

I've been lying to everybody on the site. I've betrayed the trust of the administration by letting them make me a moderator- and, indeed, for volunteering to fill the position. I guess I felt proud of myself, at first... I was the 'good' underage person or something. Seemed like an achievement to me.

I'm just... tired of it. I'm sick of keeping up this charade and trying to convince myself what I'm doing is okay. So... I'd like to apologize.

I want to apologize to all the other staff members and administration. It's hypocritical of me to be here enforcing rules when I'm breaking them just by being here.

I want to apologize to Guan and Charem in particular. You guys trusted me with the moderation position, when... I just shouldn't be here in the first place. I don't deserve any trust at all. Guan in particular... you've been really lenient with my emotions and such lately. I've betrayed your trust since day one... I'm really sorry.

I want to apologize to every single person I've ever RPed with here, because I didn't have the guts to tell you that I was underage and that you shouldn't have been doing any of that with me.

And I want to apologize to everyone in general just for the simple act of deception. For the most part, everybody here has always been really nice to me... and I just don't deserve it. I'm a tremendous liar, and I have been ever since June 16, 2008.

I don't expect forgiveness, and I don't expect leniency. If those of you who talk to me via IMs want to cut off communications with me, I understand completely. Banning me until my birthday and demodding me are both given. If you want to make it a permaban, I'd say 30 or so months of lying is enough time to justify that.

So... that's that. The jig is up. The charade is over. My facade has crumbled. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I just... can't apologize enough. I've made some wonderful friends here, and I deeply regret that I couldn't be open with everybody.

Guess that's everything. Dunno if I can really say my conscience is clear, but I can certainly say I tried.

Goodbye.

Ive gotta come clean too... im also 17. Birthday is on June 14th. Ill be 18 then.

I dont want to really restate much of what Silver already said. I do feel really hypocritical. And it feels wierd to come out and say this after ive been given a mod position. But I mostly wanna apoligize to Guan. I mean ive consoled him after Chewya got banned for being underage. I don't feel like I really had the authority to.

I never really planned to be active here in the first place, honestly. I searched for stories and art of monsters eating stuff. By the time I realized it was a fetish, it was a bit too late, ya know? Then I stumbled across here. I was just gonna lurk and read RPs and stuff, but you guys seemed real nice. I couldn't help but wanna be a part of it.

I never really planned to get this far, and it wouldn't feel right to stay with everyone else underage getting the boot left and right. So im sorry. It just dosn't seem right to keep to myself anymore.

You're not the only two.

You have been some of the best moderators I've seen and I'm pretty sure you could come back when you turn 18. We'll wait.

If it's any consolation I wasn't 18 when I first joined and was morbidly afraid of getting caught until (and for sometime after as well) I turned of age.

Hey guys, Chewya gave me a message through YIM to post here *Clears throat*

From Chewya, given to AaronScales to post on HPF:

Before I was banned, I wish that I could have at least had the chance to say good bye but I couldnt, anyways, on to what I was going to say. I had been told about this situation by Callum via Skype who had posted the whole thing, and honestly, I feel cheated, but I know what I did was wrong, and I fully agree with myself being banned by Guan, but to the fact that I have learned of these facts, it makes me depressed, not because of the whole senariio, but because everything is based around age. I sincerley apologize to you Guan, but what Silver and SS did may have been worse that what I did, but I actually accept what they have done with no remorse. I wish that I at least could have known that this was going on to save myself the emotional, and physical grief that this caused me just as much as they have.

PS: I'd had begun to lose a small amount of hair due to it
~Sincerly, Chewya
(Don't chastize Aaron over posting this. I asked him if he could and it was a favor for him to do so. He should not get in trouble for posting this.)

Regarding my feelings about this issue, I will not bring them up in public, although I will speak to my ex-moderators personally. They have been banned until they turn 18 and may resume their positions upon return, by administrative opinion. I will advertise for temporary replacements as soon as I am able. All staff from this point will be required to submit age verification to stay on HPF. For my part, this is mine, brought to you by Johann Sebastian Bach.

Also Aaron, I know you meant well, but this is borderline ban circumvention. Please do not post any more responses from Chewya. Thanks.

Oh, ok do you want me to delete it?

Nah, it's fine, I just don't want people discussing Chewya here. In the meantime, I'm hoping people will respond to my announcement. I don't want to leave those two sections unguarded for too long.

Welp, since this thread exists, might as well say something.

I'm not surprised to see so many people on this website who are underaged and yet have acted mature enough to hide their age for so long. Why doesn't this surprise me? Because I myself am underaged. I'm actually 17 years old and have yet to turn 18 until May 12th of 2011.

Why do I reveal my age now? To me, now seems like the perfect chance to. With all this shiz happening, I can't deal with seeing the forum everyday like this. It's sickening and I just can't stand it. Problems arising from everywhere, and the way these problems are dealt with...is not seriously dealt with the way I hoped it could be.

I'm a man of many chances and I've given this place more than enough chances to rebuild and prosper. But alas, not much has happened. Guan, I know you're a busy fellow, and I'm not putting you or any of the admins at fault right now. I know handling a forum is not an easy job. I know how hard life is and so does everyone else. But, I'm certain you could do more...much more to the forum than you already have. Despite losing my patience with this place, I can say for certain this ordinary can be made extraordinary if more optimistic were communicated instead of pessimistic ones.

Anyways, back to me and my confession. Yeah, just as with Silver, I was practically thinking the same thing when I came here:

Houndoomed wrote:"Okay, I act more mature than most people my age. In fact, I act more mature than most people who -are- 18. That justifies my being here."

And just as with him, no one questioned my maturity either. Unlike Silver and SS though, I'm actually much more horrible at keeping secrets and have told a few about my real age.

- Keitaro
- Raidy
- Nyx (Raikira)
- Jaylee
- Kotetsu

I thank all these people for keeping my age a secret, but alas, I'm coming clean now. There's no need to self-deny my age no longer. I'm telling you all this for a reason.

Goodbye HPF, I have loved being here for the few months I've been here, but now, it's time to throw in the towel. I'm done, now until my reason to come back once I'm 18 has arisen from the ashes of the Phoenix.

I left my IMs availible for all in my profile.

Well, i'd love to come clean, but, to be honest? I didn't join any forums or download any instant messengers until i turned 18... i've always been very... sensitive about legal things, and stuff... But i did join other sites before then... Never felt guilty for it, though. I just never interacted with other people until my 18th birthday.

My confession is something different... I don't enjoy coming to HPF anymore.

I could tolerate it before, but now that several of my friends have left the forum (some due to revealing their age, some for other reasons)... I just don't see the point in coming to a forum only to talk with a handful people I have on IMs anyway when I don't get along with pretty much everyone else on the forum.

So yes, I'm leaving HPF.